Monday, August 16, 2010

Still Finding Me...

and other lost items.

Every once in a while, it seems that my life spirals totally out of control. The past two weeks or so have been in just such a free fall. There were little things going on and big things going on and birthday one and birthday two and birthday three. All the while, there were bills to pay, shopping to do and meals to plan. At first, I muddled through, putting one foot in front of the other, completely on auto pilot. Still, the laundry piled up, the shrubs grew wildly, the weather turned sour and a presidential visit so disrupted my little beach town that my husband canceled our wedding anniversary plans.
I passed exhausted four or five days ago. Stopping to catch my breath only gave guilt a chance to catch up with me. The blog, the blog...I'm behind on the blog. Then I wondered why I was investing time in it anyway. Who reads it? Then I began to wonder why I do anything. I know these 'wonderings' to be a dangerous sign, a prelude to a meltdown of sorts, an excuse for a pity party.

But not this time. I closed the door on the unmade bed, curled up in front of a movie I'd wanted to see for ages, took the camera on a search to find some little beautiful thing, went for a swim after dark and made a list of things I actually like about myself.
Some time, after midnight, as I was scowering nooks and crannies for the minuscule sewing kit that needs to be included in a future blog post, I found my long lost cross. I had been so sure that it was in my wallet, awaiting repairs, when it was stolen from my purse some six years ago. It must have been only the broken chain. I was thrilled. In fact, I was so thrilled that I stayed up until 4:30 AM reading and rejoicing. It seemed that I had been given a sign, a chance to relearn the lesson of never giving opportunity to reaffirm the fact that who I am and what I'm worth is not based on what I do.

This morning, it is still raining, there is still crisis in the air, preserves waiting to be made and laundry to be done and another installment on "preparedness" to be written...and I still care. But I'm in no particular hurry and life feels so much sweeter when I am in control...of me.
You might enjoy this book, "A Weekend to Change Your Life" by Joan Anderson. I'm loving every page.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

although i am FINALLY doing a job "for pay" that i enjoy doing and can finally say "that what i do IS who i am. i have known for years that statement of "what you do is not who you are" to be true. but it sure is nice to LOVE what you do and truly i would rather do what i LOVE and make less money than do something i dont enjoy and make money hand over fist!! amen to you, for stepping out on the blog- here's hoping everyone who reads it will find themselves somewhere in your pages! you're amazing!